Welcome to the Annual Guilford Community Center Easter Egg Hunt!  This year we’ve outdone ourselves and hidden hundreds of eggs throughout the grounds for the children of our community to enjoy.  With a little cooperation, no child should go home empty-handed.

As always, there are only two rules for the kids.

1.  Treat your fellow egg-hunters with respect.

2.  Have fun!

And now, for the parents:

1.  Treat all egg-hunters with the same respect you would your sons and daughters.

2.  Mr. Keefe, please stop sprinting ahead and gathering eggs for your son.

3.   Mr. and Mrs. White, we cannot restart the Easter egg hunt for your son who arrived 30 minutes late.  We do not accept bribes.

4.  Mr. Bryant,  no more tripping children with your “Easter Cane.” That’s not a thing.

5.  Mr. Vasquez, quit causing salmonella scares over the eggs we use.   They are plastic, so I think we’ll be ok.

6.  Mr. Perkins, once a child puts an egg in his/her basket, it is no longer “up for grabs.”   Why do I need to say this every year?  No stealing from children.

7.  The investigation is ongoing but let’s just make a blanket rule:  No more bomb threats.

8.  Mrs. Wilson, none of those stick and leaf traps.

9.  Mrs. Saunders, refrain from telling kids a version of the resurrection story that ends with a vengeful Easter Bunny who will rest at nothing to retrieve his eggs.

10.  Mr. Harrison, you know what you did and let’s leave it at that.

11.  Again, people, the eggs are not real.  To the best of my knowledge, there is no cholesterol in a plastic egg.

12.  Mrs. Alpert, children of all faiths are welcome to this event and will be treated equally. As such, Christian children will not be given a 10 second head start for “getting it right.”

13.  Ms. Sylvestre,  no directing rival children to search for eggs in the parking lot.

14.  Stop ruining everything.

 

(Adam is sitting on the couch, playing PS3, when his roommate, Marcus, enters.)

Marcus:  Adam, I know you won’t believe me, but I met her, the girl of my dreams.  Her name is Katie.  I was on the T and she caught my eye.  Something just felt right.

Adam: (sighs) Marcus, you do this all the time.  You fall into what you think is love and start spiraling out of control.  I deal with seven days of hell and by the end of the week she’s a blip on your romantic timeline.

Marcus:  Yeah…but…not this time.

Day 1

(Adam trying to sleep in bed, Marcus has the door propped open.)

Marcus:  Psst. Adam.

(Adam ignores)

Marcus: Adam. Adam. Adam.  This is important.  Adam.

(Adam rolls over in the bed, away from the crack in the door)

Marcus:  One quick thing.  Come on Adam.

Adam:  No.  You spent all day talking about Katie.  Her smile, her hair, the way she “lights up the room.”  That’s all well and good, but it’s three in the morning, I have work tomorrow, and if I hear one more fun fact about Katie then the part of my brain that keeps me from losing my shit is going to sleep without me.

(Marcus starts to walk away, dejected)

Marcus:  I guess I just thought, being my roommate and all, you’d be happy for me.

Adam: (sighs)  Fine.  Make it quick.

Marcus:  So anyway, sometimes, when Katie laughs, it sounds like a snow day when you’re young.  Is that weird?  Here let me play it for you.

(Marcus takes out phone and plays audio of Katie laughing)

Marcus:  Now, on that listen, it sounded more like a mother’s embrace.  What’s interesting, is if you follow it with a listen to her sneeze, you can…
(Adam throws a pillow at Marcus, puts in earplugs and rolls over)

Adam:  Go to bed.

Day 2

(Adam comes in to see the living room is a hippie nightmare.  Incense burning.  Yoga mat in center of floor.  Enya’s The Memory of Trees playing in the background.  Marcus is doing an awkward yoga pose while reading the Bhagavad Gita.)

Adam:  Every single time.

Marcus:  Whoa, man, you’re literally throwing verbal rocks at my proverbial temple.

Adam:  That makes no sense.

Marcus:  That’s because you’re only looking with two of your eyes.

Adam:  Shut up, man.  You don’t like any of this.  It’s like when you dated Autumn and overnight you loved scrapbooking.  You fucking hate scrapbooking.  Anyone with fewer than four cats hates scrapbooking. You like Megaman and jerking off to subreddits.  That’s the roommate I know.

Marcus:  Sorry I couldn’t hear you  My chi was crazy powerful just then and it naturally converted all negative vibes into indistinguishable karmic morsels.

Adam:  Jesus Christ.

Day 3

(Adam comes in to find Marcus standing on the couch with a noose around neck, staring at picture of Katie, weeping.)

Adam:  Hey buddy…what’s good?

Marcus:  (holding back sobs) What’s good? Nothing Adam!  Nothing is good.  I had an amazing date planned with a private yoga lesson followed by dinner at her favorite vegan restaurant, Paste.  You know how hard it is to get reservations at Paste?”

Adam:  I feel like you don’t want a real guess here.

Marcus:  Very hard! And they have 33 types of paste!  All soy-based!  But now it’s all crumbling, a gully where my soul used to be, fragments washed away to a cold, stark land where dreams cry…(text message sound)

Marcus:  You mind checking that for me?

Adam: It’s from Katie.

Marcus:  (loosens noose)  Go on.

Adam:  It says, “Sorry was finding my center,  6:30 work?”

(Marcus takes off noose.)

Marcus:  Oh, well ok.  Can you text back, “Sounds good.”?  Don’t want to sound desperate.

Day 4

(Adam comes in to see bubble wrap everywhere.  Anything remotely sharp is covered in it.)

Adam: What the hell did you do?

(Marcus looks up from bubble wrapping a football)

Marcus:  Oh this?  I’m just baby proofing a few things around the apartment.  I know it’s a bit hasty, but I want Katie to know I’m responsible.  Of course, I needed to make a few changes, but I bet you won’t even notice.

Adam:  Where’s my PS3?

Marcus:  Far too sharp.  It had to go.  But it’s fine, I traded it for a Sega Genesis  It’s got rounded edges and he even threw in a copy of Ecco the Dolphin!  It’s the best time-travelling dolphin game in recent memory!  And it’s pro environment!

Adam:  I’m trying not to punch you in the head right now.  But I…

(Adam looks over to an empty terrarium.)

Adam:  Where’s my snake?

Marcus:  You know snakes and babies don’t get along.  It’s nature.  I found him a good home just until Katie and I have sent the last ones off to college.  After that, we’ll be feeling the empty nest anyway, and we’ll gladly welcome Trogdor back into our lives.

Adam:  I need alcohol.  Right now.

Marcus:  You mean from one of those baby slicing and dicing glass bottles?  I replaced those too.  I poured all the beer into baby bottles with safe rubber nipples.  Still tastes just as good.

(Marcus lobs over a baby bottle to Adam)

Adam: (sighs, takes a swig from the baby bottle)  Whatever, pass me the controller.  This dolphin is gonna fuck shit up.

Day 5

(Adam comes in to see Marcus throwing a tantrum in the apartment, ripping off bubble tape and stomping it as he yells)

Marcus:  “Brian!!!

Adam:  Who’s Brian?

Marcus:  Our yoga teacher.  He told Katie she had “great form.”  That’s yoga code for “Let’s have tantric sex while your doofus boyfriend tries to figure out downward facing dog.”

Adam:  I’m sure that’s not how he meant it.  It’s best to let these little things roll off your back before things get out of hand.

Marcus:  (still heated) That’s it.  (picks up gun.)  I’m going to send Brian a message.

Adam:  Holy fuck!  She’s not worth it.  Just slow down, and let’s think this over.  Find your…chi?

Marcus:  Mellow, Adam, it’s just a water pistol.  (laughs crazily and squirts Adam in the face with water gun)

Adam:  (exhales deeply)  Thank god.

Marcus:  I’m not crazy, nothing to worry about.

Adam:  You’re right I guess I just…

(Marcus picks up steak knife from kitchen and heads toward the door)

Marcus:  (holds up the knife) So he won’t see this coming!

(Marcus exits the apartment)

Day 6

Adam:  Whew, a lazy day.  Catch up on some Walking Dead?

Marcus:  Sure, buddy.  Hey listen, I know it’s been a rough few days, and I want to apologize for being such a jackass.  You’ve been really patient with me, and…

Adam:  You can stop there.  It’s cool, man.  We all make mistakes, I’m just glad it’s in the past.

Marcus:  Yep, totally in the past…

Adam:  (puts down controller)  Hold up.  This is only day six.  What’s the catch?

Marcus:  (looks sheepishly at Adam, starts talking quickly)  Ok so I need $2500.  Well, Katie needs it for transcendental meditation classes.  Once she gets her mantra she’s good to go, centered like the eye of a hurricane.  Pure tranquility in a chaotic world.  And from there, she can take on students who can, for a small donation of material wealth, reach enlightenment as well.

Adam:  I’m not giving you $2500.

Marcus:  Fine, I’ll earn it myself.

(The doorbell rings.  Adam opens the door and sees a piggy bank on the ground.  Marcus slides past Adam, picks up the piggybank, shakes it, takes a shifty looks both ways, then drops an envelope just outside the door.)

Marcus:  Yea, I sell weed to children now.  So what’s new with you?

Day 7

(Adam stands outside the door of his apartment, getting his bearings and preparing for the havoc of Day 7.  He exhales and cautiously enters the apartment.)

(Marcus is rolling up the yoga mat, taking down Katie related items and putting them in a box.)

Marcus:  Before you say anything, Katie and I broke up.  It’s over, I was a fool, and I don’t want one more breath wasted on her.

Adam: Don’t have to tell me twice.

(Marcus pulls out two cigars and hands one to Adam.)

Marcus:  To a new beginning.

Adam: To a new beginning.

(Newscast plays in the background.  “Police are still on the hunt for a Caucasian male in his 20s,  last seen lighting a yoga studio, Recycled  Crane Spirit, on fire in Cambridge.  No one was hurt, but experts are saying that Boston’s collective chi has been dealt a devastating blow.  More on this to come.)

Adam: Did you…?

Marcus:  I said it’s over.  Want a light?

Marcus:  (grabs an incense stick and lights Adam’s cigar) Anyway, there’s always next week.